I was involved in a conservation regarding religion. Religion is, at best, a taboo subject which should only be discussed with the knowledge no one is right and no one is wrong. Anyway, the conversation dealt primarily with the idea that religious affiliation is the conduit for spirituality. Spirituality, in my terms, is the belief in a higher power or the belief in someone or some thing is out there controlling all that is going on. Well, I got a little lost in thought last night and my thoughts were confirmed this morning. The question, “to what extent will I believe in someone?” burned in my brain all last night. I departed from the idea of religion and started looking at humanity; more specifically, the people in my life who I should believe in.
I try to be a true person whether it is to friends, family, or loved ones. I try to be a person who people can trust, count on, and respect. Lately, I have questioned myself, but I am coming to an understanding that I should question others. I am someone who champions the underdog, who tries to help people who do not want to help themselves. I find these people riddled in my life and in every aspect of my life. I find these people in work, in friends, in family, and in loved ones.
Let me depart from my thought for a second and explain something. I know I am not the brightest crayola in the box, but I am very good at what I do and what I have become. By shear numbers of people I have seen over the years, I am able to realistically look at situations and determine the path with true accuracy. I am able to diagnose situations before they come full circle. I see trends and patterns before others do. Now, my approach to people (non-family, non-friends, non-loved ones) is to allow them to experience the path they need to take while understanding they are human and need to be aware of consequences. With the friends, family, and loved ones, I tend to be more critical and judgmental because I do not want to see them hurt or fall from grace. My tact is often terse because it frustrates me when people are blind to the realties of their situations. I know I should treat them like anyone else, but these are people are in my life more than a brief moment.
Back to my thoughts. Lately, I have become disgusted with my self for allowing me to fall victim to the nonsense presented to me by the people I champion. I constantly tell myself to stay distant and detached, but I go back to my old pattern of believing in people. I get engrossed in their basic BS approach to life in general and I am the one who cares more about them than they do about themselves. I know I am not the authority over people and they can choose their own life’s destiny, but, for the love of all that is holy, I would wish they would listen to truisms. It is the basic rule in a scary movie; if the guy says he will be right back, he is not coming back. If a scary voice in the house tells you to get out, then get the hell out of the house. Do not stay in a haunted house until someone dies.
I am writing this blog and I have to take breaks from time to time because I am getting frustrated with this whole thing. Maybe I should not care, maybe I should stop giving two thoughts about people, maybe I should pack my bags and go fishing in Alaska for a living because fish do not have the capacity to communicate with humans. It frustrates the hell out of me at times because I just do not get it. I do not think I am jaded about life, but damnit how can people be so blind.
Alright, let us talk about the lesson of the day, boys and girls. This is not their fault. This is my fault. My flaw in life is caring about humanity. At times, I wish I could be so blind and ignorant to realities by just moving through life without regard to anyone around me.
I was in Colorado a few years ago and I went on a Vision Quest with a group of Native Americans. One of the elders likened me to a person who carries the souls of the people in my life around with me where ever I go. A part of this Vision Quest solidified my belief in religion and humanity. I believe in positive and negative energies that surround us. For example, all the good I do for people builds up into positive energy that is released back into the consciousness of the planet. I know it sounds far fetched, but there is a lot more to it to be explained.
Basically, I am done! I am sick and tired of loving people who do not love me. I am disgusted with people who I care about and could care less about my feelings. I am sick of false friends. I am tired about being there for people who are never there for me. I am done with giving, done with loving, done with caring, done with giving a thought for people who do not deserve me in their life, done with people who do not take my advice, done with people who promise me the world and give me nothing, done with people who are too stupid to see their own issues, done with people who toy with my emotions, done with people who brush me aside, done with people who draw me in and kick me to the curve, done with people who complain and moan over every little thing, done with people who do not respect themselves, done with people who cannot help themselves, done with being an advisor, done with being a cheering section, done with being a person who listens, done with being the side of me that I just cannot stand anymore.
This is not directed to one person. This is not because of one incident. This is an accumulation of incidents and situations in my life that I am just so sick of at this moment. I have giving my very best to people. I have been to hell and back with people, but I just can’t do it anymore. I am tired and I want some peace. You cannot suck the life out of me anymore. You have to figure it out on your own.
Now, I say this, but tomorrow is a new day. I get angry, but I go back to my trends and my beliefs that people are inherently good. I believe people will change and will understand. I believe people will love and care for me. I believe people will respect my thoughts and my advice. I believe people will put me first and try to appreciate me. Like religion, you have to have faith in people and in humanity. I try to keep that faith alive in everything I do and everything I am about, but it has become so difficult lately. So many things have happened that I guess I am just tired and it is easier to be more cynical about people and about life. I am tired, but I know I have to continue and move on. I have to set the bar for myself and reach it everyday of my life.
Moral of the story is: if you are in my life, be in my life. If you are just in my life for the gains of having me in it, than leave me alone. Please spare me the anguish of living another day knowing that I really do not matter to you. Please spare me the hurt, the pain, and the sorrow in order for me to experience the true joy and satisfaction for caring about people who care about me. Allow me to live each day as I truly want to live each day. I want to be happy and content. I want to mutually share love, caring, and affection. I want to be free to give advice and receive it. I want to be understood and respected. I want to live and be happy.